I had a strange moment this evening watching the News. I spent part of this morning at my local Drug Service centre as I have registered myself as an addict and I am hoping to get some help to fix this fucking bull shit addiction once and for all. Whilst going through the several inches of forms that you have to fill in whilst doing this, I was having to explain why I started using drugs and a bit about my upbringing etc.
I have had a really privileged upbringing, I wasn't spoiled as my dad as a self made man believes heavily in hard work and that nothing comes for free but I lived in a great house and we had a holiday every year and my parents never beat me or abused me. They hated each other though on occasion and eventually divorced but that is hardly a crisis for a person that can not be over come. Really I have had a great life, good friends, nice family, decent job and a nice flat and car and beautiful fiance that understands me and loves me for who I am. Yet I carry around this unbearable source of pain and anxiety, like a heavy weight that cripples my shoulders and pushed on my chest. I don't know where the fuck it comes from or why I feel it, it's just this eternally bleak feeling that everything is about to or is going wrong at every moment.
Then I look at scenes of the Israeli bombing of a UN Hospital with dead children and wounded children in a state of utterly hopeless despair and desperation, these innocent children that are too young to understand malice or hatred being shelled to bits by evil, sick, demented war mongers and hate peddlers. Hamas, the Israeli's the British the Americans the Russians and Isis and Al Qaeda are all as sick as each other in my opinion. I am a pacifist and I can not understand how people can bring themselves to cause such misery and pain and death to people over land and money, it sickens me to the very core. Those children are in real pain, real suffering, the people of Gaza must be truly devoid of any faith in humanity whatsoever.
Yet somehow it is ME that also feels this unbearable pain, for no reason, no logical explanation to my depressing and bleak existence, perhaps part of the pain is guilt, guilt that I am lucky and have been born into privilege, guilt that I don't take advantage of it preferring to wallow in pain and take drugs to cope, guilt that I lie to the people I love about my heroin addiction because I know they'll think less of me and be worried. I am even guilty for doing this to myself, allowing it to get this far, guilty that I threw myself into the fire when I didn't need to. Yet in a sense heroin almost saved me, I was so mentally fucked up when I started using I had contemplated suicide and heroin helped me through that. It gave me a safety net and it made me feel like everything was somehow going to be OK, there is a certain beauty to the feeling of heroin, it's idealism really in chemical form, perfection of spirit even if it is manufactured.
As I sit here writing this taking interludes to suck down the vapour that makes me human again through my foil straw I wonder deep down if I really do want to give up heroin. I know I should and I know that heroin addiction isn't a happy and acceptable life choice but part of me just feels angry that the world is like that. Why aren't we all on heroin? Why hasn't everyone else realised you can take away every inch of your pain by simply smoking some powder, I feel angry and cheated that I am the minority viewed as a charity case with the disease of addiction, I just wish things could be different, in Laos opium use is an accepted part of their culture yet here it's like saying that you're a peadophile if you take heroin. Cocaine on the other hand is absolutely fine, EVERYONE does coke, my parents, your parents, poor people, rich people, happy people sad people, cocaine is totally acceptable. Despite the fact it turns people into self obsessed aggressive wankers, it is socially acceptable almost to the point that it is encouraged! But go to a party and start smoking a bit of Afghan #3 off the foil and you'll be shown the door. Hypocrisy and stupidity but that's 2014 for you, most people are hypocritical and stupid!
No comments:
Post a Comment