I had a strange moment this evening watching the News. I spent part of this morning at my local Drug Service centre as I have registered myself as an addict and I am hoping to get some help to fix this fucking bull shit addiction once and for all. Whilst going through the several inches of forms that you have to fill in whilst doing this, I was having to explain why I started using drugs and a bit about my upbringing etc.
I have had a really privileged upbringing, I wasn't spoiled as my dad as a self made man believes heavily in hard work and that nothing comes for free but I lived in a great house and we had a holiday every year and my parents never beat me or abused me. They hated each other though on occasion and eventually divorced but that is hardly a crisis for a person that can not be over come. Really I have had a great life, good friends, nice family, decent job and a nice flat and car and beautiful fiance that understands me and loves me for who I am. Yet I carry around this unbearable source of pain and anxiety, like a heavy weight that cripples my shoulders and pushed on my chest. I don't know where the fuck it comes from or why I feel it, it's just this eternally bleak feeling that everything is about to or is going wrong at every moment.
Then I look at scenes of the Israeli bombing of a UN Hospital with dead children and wounded children in a state of utterly hopeless despair and desperation, these innocent children that are too young to understand malice or hatred being shelled to bits by evil, sick, demented war mongers and hate peddlers. Hamas, the Israeli's the British the Americans the Russians and Isis and Al Qaeda are all as sick as each other in my opinion. I am a pacifist and I can not understand how people can bring themselves to cause such misery and pain and death to people over land and money, it sickens me to the very core. Those children are in real pain, real suffering, the people of Gaza must be truly devoid of any faith in humanity whatsoever.
Yet somehow it is ME that also feels this unbearable pain, for no reason, no logical explanation to my depressing and bleak existence, perhaps part of the pain is guilt, guilt that I am lucky and have been born into privilege, guilt that I don't take advantage of it preferring to wallow in pain and take drugs to cope, guilt that I lie to the people I love about my heroin addiction because I know they'll think less of me and be worried. I am even guilty for doing this to myself, allowing it to get this far, guilty that I threw myself into the fire when I didn't need to. Yet in a sense heroin almost saved me, I was so mentally fucked up when I started using I had contemplated suicide and heroin helped me through that. It gave me a safety net and it made me feel like everything was somehow going to be OK, there is a certain beauty to the feeling of heroin, it's idealism really in chemical form, perfection of spirit even if it is manufactured.
As I sit here writing this taking interludes to suck down the vapour that makes me human again through my foil straw I wonder deep down if I really do want to give up heroin. I know I should and I know that heroin addiction isn't a happy and acceptable life choice but part of me just feels angry that the world is like that. Why aren't we all on heroin? Why hasn't everyone else realised you can take away every inch of your pain by simply smoking some powder, I feel angry and cheated that I am the minority viewed as a charity case with the disease of addiction, I just wish things could be different, in Laos opium use is an accepted part of their culture yet here it's like saying that you're a peadophile if you take heroin. Cocaine on the other hand is absolutely fine, EVERYONE does coke, my parents, your parents, poor people, rich people, happy people sad people, cocaine is totally acceptable. Despite the fact it turns people into self obsessed aggressive wankers, it is socially acceptable almost to the point that it is encouraged! But go to a party and start smoking a bit of Afghan #3 off the foil and you'll be shown the door. Hypocrisy and stupidity but that's 2014 for you, most people are hypocritical and stupid!
Tuesday, 5 August 2014
Monday, 4 August 2014
First post and a brief history history...
I don't really know why I have started this blog, well actually that's bullshit, I know exactly why, but I don't know why I've chosen to start it now or what I hope to achieve really.
For the last 5 years I have been taking opiates in some form or other and becoming more and more obsessed with them. It started in New York I was over there for a couple of weeks in the summer and met this crazy girl on the first night. Spent most of that two weeks with her and she had all these Lortabs and Vicodin and Percocet and Oxycontins that I had never even really heard of before. That was a lot of fun and it felt like something had happened in my life finally, similar to the first time I took ecstasy.
I have always been obsessed with drugs. I started smoking weed at 11 and was doing coke at 15 and ecstasy at 16. Ecstasy became my thing, I loved it, it took me away from everything for hours and it was escape from the depressing mundaneness of every day life working a 50 hour week job for peanuts. At the weekend in a rave coming up off a Mitsubishi I was God for a few hours, it was glorious. I carried that and carried it to the best of my ability for over 12 years. I stayed up all weekend for 12 years pretty much, I took ecstasy, mdma, ketamine, lsd, 2cb, dmt, nitrous, salvia copious amount of cocaine and soaked it all down with booze, and valium to recover in the week. Weed and valium I too almost daily, the come downs were savage and occasionally I would continue to take coke on my own throughout the week to get through them.
By the time I was 29 I was totally fucked, holding down an office job when you're doing raves, clubs, festivals and parties with a rider of a drugs like a family shopping list had taken its toll. My brain was frazzled, I felt anxious, depressed, like there was a deep blackness that just doesn't go away ever entrenched in me. I have always had it to some extent, I would always try and be the life and soul, wanting people to like me I suppose, but people that knew me always said I had a sadness behind the eyes, a kind of inner sense of doom.
The "party drugs" just didn't work on me any more, even pure off the brick oily flake cocaine made me edgy, my body rejected ecstasy and I'd physically vomit horrible every time it touched my stomach as if my brain sensed it and said "never again do this to me" and so I don't. I was taking so many hallucinogens my brain was all over the shop, normalising after smoking 250mg hits of DMT whilst on acid and ketamine is very hard. The ketamine was giving me urinary infections and my pissing was starting to go funny it was hard to piss, it still is, so I stopped that too. I've smoked weed everyday since I was 15 so that was and is a constant in my life, and valium which I take to sleep mainly.
But then I found opiates. Just pain killers at first, when I got back from NYC I had purchased some PK's and I soon left behind all the party drugs and just started to get into opiates. I found someone to get Dihydrocodeine from in large supply and started to take those for a year or so. Not everyday but it became almost every day. By my second year it was near constant use of pain killers.
Soon I was snorting oxycontin like it had gone out of fashion, it was every day and it was getting expensive to maintain. Eventually I gave in and started smoking heroin. It's cheaper and it's stronger and if you're in pain or suffering it is better at making you feel better than you can even begin to imagine. So after almost 3 years of playing down my opiate use to my GF, I finally came clean and told her everything. She knew and took the pain killers with me at first but then stopped and when I carried on it all went wrong. She was understanding at first and I started going to NA and doing the right things and I got clean for 60 days. But then I started dabbling again smoking a bit of H here and there, recreational use for the first few months. Then predictably once a month became once a fortnight and once a week until once or 4 times a day. No one knows that I have relapsed for the last year or so to every day use so it's my dirty shameful secret, I have tried to get clean with subutex and succeeded for a week or so then gone back to H because psychologically I still crave it even if not so much physically.
This blog is to help me to pen my thoughts and contextualise what I am doing to myself. Going to NA you get 5 mins to share and sitting in a room full of crack heads doesn't make you feel better about yourself in my experience. I need to share my pain and discuss it and try and beat this anxiety without drugs. I would be honoured if you would read my blog, it will be depressing but so is reality TV!
Thanks for your time.
For the last 5 years I have been taking opiates in some form or other and becoming more and more obsessed with them. It started in New York I was over there for a couple of weeks in the summer and met this crazy girl on the first night. Spent most of that two weeks with her and she had all these Lortabs and Vicodin and Percocet and Oxycontins that I had never even really heard of before. That was a lot of fun and it felt like something had happened in my life finally, similar to the first time I took ecstasy.
I have always been obsessed with drugs. I started smoking weed at 11 and was doing coke at 15 and ecstasy at 16. Ecstasy became my thing, I loved it, it took me away from everything for hours and it was escape from the depressing mundaneness of every day life working a 50 hour week job for peanuts. At the weekend in a rave coming up off a Mitsubishi I was God for a few hours, it was glorious. I carried that and carried it to the best of my ability for over 12 years. I stayed up all weekend for 12 years pretty much, I took ecstasy, mdma, ketamine, lsd, 2cb, dmt, nitrous, salvia copious amount of cocaine and soaked it all down with booze, and valium to recover in the week. Weed and valium I too almost daily, the come downs were savage and occasionally I would continue to take coke on my own throughout the week to get through them.
By the time I was 29 I was totally fucked, holding down an office job when you're doing raves, clubs, festivals and parties with a rider of a drugs like a family shopping list had taken its toll. My brain was frazzled, I felt anxious, depressed, like there was a deep blackness that just doesn't go away ever entrenched in me. I have always had it to some extent, I would always try and be the life and soul, wanting people to like me I suppose, but people that knew me always said I had a sadness behind the eyes, a kind of inner sense of doom.
The "party drugs" just didn't work on me any more, even pure off the brick oily flake cocaine made me edgy, my body rejected ecstasy and I'd physically vomit horrible every time it touched my stomach as if my brain sensed it and said "never again do this to me" and so I don't. I was taking so many hallucinogens my brain was all over the shop, normalising after smoking 250mg hits of DMT whilst on acid and ketamine is very hard. The ketamine was giving me urinary infections and my pissing was starting to go funny it was hard to piss, it still is, so I stopped that too. I've smoked weed everyday since I was 15 so that was and is a constant in my life, and valium which I take to sleep mainly.
But then I found opiates. Just pain killers at first, when I got back from NYC I had purchased some PK's and I soon left behind all the party drugs and just started to get into opiates. I found someone to get Dihydrocodeine from in large supply and started to take those for a year or so. Not everyday but it became almost every day. By my second year it was near constant use of pain killers.
Soon I was snorting oxycontin like it had gone out of fashion, it was every day and it was getting expensive to maintain. Eventually I gave in and started smoking heroin. It's cheaper and it's stronger and if you're in pain or suffering it is better at making you feel better than you can even begin to imagine. So after almost 3 years of playing down my opiate use to my GF, I finally came clean and told her everything. She knew and took the pain killers with me at first but then stopped and when I carried on it all went wrong. She was understanding at first and I started going to NA and doing the right things and I got clean for 60 days. But then I started dabbling again smoking a bit of H here and there, recreational use for the first few months. Then predictably once a month became once a fortnight and once a week until once or 4 times a day. No one knows that I have relapsed for the last year or so to every day use so it's my dirty shameful secret, I have tried to get clean with subutex and succeeded for a week or so then gone back to H because psychologically I still crave it even if not so much physically.
This blog is to help me to pen my thoughts and contextualise what I am doing to myself. Going to NA you get 5 mins to share and sitting in a room full of crack heads doesn't make you feel better about yourself in my experience. I need to share my pain and discuss it and try and beat this anxiety without drugs. I would be honoured if you would read my blog, it will be depressing but so is reality TV!
Thanks for your time.
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